Although the organic movement has certainly started to influence how
Americans think about their food, it is still no match for the American
fast food industry, which continuously finds creative new ways of
piling sugar, salt and fat on a plate and charging customers $4.99 for
the privilege of eating it.

In recent years, in fact, some of America’s favorite chains have
gone above and beyond the call of duty and concocted thoroughly
repellent dishes that make the Double Quarter Pounder look like a
celery stick. These companies have offered Americans these revolting
meals despite the fact that roughly one-third of the country is now obese, a deplorable state of affairs that accounting firm Pricewaterhouse Coopers estimates costs the U.S. health-care system $200 billion a year in wasted spending.

In this article, we’ll name and shame the very worst offenders,
whether they’re 1,400-calorie hamburgers or 550-calorie cups of coffee.
So let’s get things rolling with …

No.
7 — The Krispy Kreme Doughnut Sundae

Donut

Two years ago, the brain trust at Krispy Kreme decided to

answer the age-old question of how to make ice cream sundaes even less
healthy. The solution, it turns out, is to remove bananas, strawberries
or anything that looks remotely like it might contain nutrients, and
replace it with a doughnut.

When the sundae — known affectionately as the Kool Kreme — premiered

in Tacoma, Wash., customers had the choice of adding several toppings,
including bits of Snickers, Butterfinger, Heath and Junior Mints. They
could add some fruit as well, of course, but what’s the point? If you
regularly eat a doughnut sundae, no level of Vitamin C will save you.

No.
6 — Starbucks’s Mocha Coconut Frappuccino Blended Coffee With Whipped Cream

frapp

At first glance, the Starbucks Mocha Coconut Frappuccino Blended
Coffee with whipped cream doesn’t seem to belong on this list. After
all, its 550 calories and 22 grams of fat
pale in comparison to some of the burgers and pizzas we’ll encounter a
little bit later. But then you remember that the Frappuccino is
supposed to be a breakfast drink. As in, something you drink the first
thing in the morning while you eat your cereal. And then you understand
that if you’re willing to consume one-fourth of your daily caloric
intake before you even arrive to work, there’s nothing to stop you from
wolfing down a 1,200-carlorie KFC Double Down (see Item No. 2) for
lunch and dinner.

No.
5 — Cheeseburger Fries

cheesefries

These treats were apparently made for people who love eating
cheeseburgers and fries but who don’t want to go through the hassle of
mashing them together into a fine paste. Cheeseburger fries gained
national attention when the
New York Times reported that they had become a mini-sensation in the Midwest. The fries, said the
Times,
were “made of a meat-and-cheese compound” that was “breaded, then deep
fried and served with ketchup or barbecue sauce.” The caloric intake
for these beasts was 75 calories per fry, meaning that eating 10 of
them would account for more than a third of your daily intake.

No.
4 — The KFC Famous Bowl 

KFC Bowl

KFC has a long and proud history of making Americans morbidly obese,
but the company reached a new high in 2007 when it unleashed its Famous
Bowl upon the world. The Bowl is really a variation on a classic
American method of cooking that involves taking a bunch of unhealthy
goo from different sources and then slopping them all into a bowl. In
this particular example, KFC threw together mashed potatoes, corn,
fried chicken, gravy and cheese to create a 720-calorie horror
that contains 1 1/2 times your daily fat allowance. The thought of
joylessly plowing through the Bowl’s starchy potatoes, greasy gravy and
processed cheese sounds about as soulless and monotonous as working in
a puppy-slaughtering factory.

No.
3 — Hardee’s Monster Thickburger

Thickburger

Simply put, the Monster Thickburger is a fat, sloppy middle finger
aimed at nutritionists everywhere. Clocking in at an artery-blowing
1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat, the Thickburger premiered in 2004,
when McDonald’s and Burger King were starting to sell out and offer
their customers salads. In defending his decision to sell such a gaping
monstrosity, Hardee’s CEO Andrew Puzder played George W. Bush to
McDonald’s and Burger King’s John Kerry, essentially calling them out
as wimps who didn’t have the balls to dramatically shorten their
customers’ life expectancy with just one meal. Specifically, he said
the Thickburger was “not a burger for tree-huggers” but rather “for
guys who want a really big, delicious, juicy decadent burger.” Yes,
gents, nothing will show the ladies how manly you are quite like a
belly made entirely of butter.

No.
2 — The KFC Double Down

double down

Apparently determined to take the Atkins Diet to its most insane and
illogical conclusion, KFC has released a new sandwich that succeeds in
eliminating carbohydrate-packed bread by replacing it with two slabs of
fried chicken. And oh yeah, in between the chicken they lay down
heaping gobs of bacon and Swiss and pepper pack cheese. The KFC Double
Down is really the ideological heir to the Thickburger, as it was
seemingly designed for the sole purpose of pissing off nutrition
advocates.

You can imagine future commercials where a rugged Ford-truck-style
announcer comes on and says, “The next time some fruity bureaucrat
tells you to exercise, look him in the eye and say, ‘Hell no! I’m
doublin’ down with the KFC Double Down!’ ” The Double Down is slightly
wimpier than the Thickburger as it only contains an estimated
1,200 calories. However, it more than makes up for this because it also
contains something called “The Colonel’s Sauce,” which probably
contains at the very least 2 percent all-natural radioactive waste.

No.
1 — Domino’s Oreo Cookie Pizza

cookie pizza

Sure, everybody loves pizza. But what do you do when traditional
pizza has lost its magic? How do you retain your love for it when all
the fatty toppings — pepperoni, buffalo chicken, Alfredo sauce and so
forth — just aren’t satisfying you the way they used to? If you’re
Domino’s, you take one of the world’s least-healthy cookies
and couple it with large doses of frosting to cover an entire pizza
crust. Were Dr. Jack Kevorkian still practicing his trade, he’d surely
use consumption of the Oreo pizza as his preferred method of assisted
suicide. Truly, the only way this sucker could be any worse would be to
put it in blender with a bucket of cheeseburger fries and then pour the
resulting mixture into a bowl and then cover it with processed cheese.

Which, come to think of it, hasn’t been tried yet. Anyone want to drive me to the patent office?

Brad
Reed is a writer living in Boston. His work has previously appeared in
the American Prospect Online, and he blogs frequently at Sadly, No!