Web Note: This article is a joke. Unfortunately, at first glance, it’s easy to believe–in the world we live in corporations’ efforts to greenwash their icky reputations are all too prevalent and insidious. For real news articles and more information, please visit OCA’s Genetic Engineering page and our Millions Against Monsanto page.

CREVE COEUR, MO – The Lorax has infiltrated the lives of most Americans by way of movie trailers and over 70 promotional partnerships with everything from the Mazda CX-5 to disposable diapers. Now add Monsanto to the list. Friday afternoon the chemical giant announced the affiliation with the Universal Films animated star and further stated the Dr. Seuss icon would soon become its spokesperson in an upcoming image campaign.

Monsanto has been victim of negative image problems for many years. Environmentalists have long claimed Monsanto is poisoning our planet. Corporate response has labeled them “troublemaking hippies who screwed over Chinese restaurateurs with their protests about monosodium glutamate decades ago”.

The Lorax, who proclaims “I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues.” will now speak for Monsanto. Environmentalists love the Lorax, so Monsanto hopes in addition to hugging trees, these eco-warriors will give their frankencorn an embrace as well. No word if the Lorax will also stump for Dow’s agent-orange corn.

Monsanto is the creator of Roundup, the chemical that started by keeping sidewalk cracks tidy and has evolved into a standard treatment of much of the food grown today. That is because Monsanto scientists created and patented GMO (genetically modified organism) crops that can withstand being sprayed with Roundup. But the weeds and bugs that the chemicals are meant to deter develop a resistance and mutate like Lou Ferrigno in Trump’s boardroom.

No scientific data exists that proves Monsanto GMOs are safe. Yet the FDA has approved them for you to eat.  Since these items have been in our food supply for under 20 years (less than a generation) the long-term effects are uncertain. But here’s a hint; animals fed Monsanto GE (genetically engineered) soybeans have developed infertility, cancer and hair growth on the roofs of their mouths. Once that happens to us the chewing gum industry is bound to take a hit.